to katie: about looks and attractiveness

Here’s the secret about the way you look: no matter what you look like, lots of people will be wildly attracted to you, and lots of people won’t be attracted to you at all.

Someone likes everything, someone dislikes everything
Attraction is exactly like food: Tons of people love kimchee and green tea and potato pancakes, but I can’t stand any of those things. And as much as I love guacamole and Hawaiian pizza and tiramisu, there are people out there who get ill at the thought of them. There’s a big huge world out there full of different people from different backgrounds who think different thoughts and like different things. All of those factors go into what someone finds attractive.

There are places in the world where the standard of a woman’s beauty is measured by how long her neck is (longer is better), or how small her feet are (smaller is better), or how crooked her teeth are (the snagglier the better), or how much fat she has (the more the better). And in those places, there are people who are insanely attracted to women with short necks, or large feet, or straight teeth, or low body fat. It just happens that some people go against what is considered normal – just like people who like exotic or super-spicy foods – there are always some people who do not like what everyone else around them likes.

So, in a culture like ours in America, where a “beautiful woman” is typically defined as someone with a big eyes, a small nose, high cheekbones, straight teeth, very little body fat, long legs, and an hourglass figure (large breasts, small waist, wide hips), there are tons of men who are immediately attracted to women who do not fit that description at all.

Most people like lots of things
When your Uncle Kevin and I are eating dinner at a restaurant, sometimes we talk about what we find physically attractive or unattractive in the people around us. I usually find tall men attractive, but not if they look like they spend most of their life being confused or angry – I only like happy, nice galoots. But sometimes I find short men attractive, especially if they have an easy smile, or they are being really adorable with their kids. Uncle Kevin is usually attracted to sturdy-looking women with wide hips and strong muscles – the kinds of women who look like judo would come naturally to them, because they have a low center of gravity and great core strength. But then sometimes, he’ll think a tall, thin, pixie-ish woman is adorable because she looks him straight in the eye and laughs at his jokes.

Both your Uncle Kevin and I find lots of different kinds of people attractive. We are not unusual at all. Most people have more than one type of person who they find physically attractive.

Now, here’s the weird thing about your Uncle Kevin and I (well, okay, one weird thing… obviously there are lots of others): it does not bother us to talk about other people who we find attractive. For some reason, when men and women are dating or married, they think they need to pretend that the only person in the world they find attractive is their partner. We both think that is silly.

I am a healthy, intelligent woman who appreciates the beauty around me, and if I find another man attractive, it does not threaten my commitment to my husband. And just because he finds another woman attractive does not mean he is planning on leaving me; it means that he is a healthy, intelligent man who appreciates the beauty around him. In fact, we have a game where I spot women I think he would find attractive and point them out to him, and he does the same for me. I think I’m winning.

Our silly game of “who else do you find attractive?” is only fun because both of us are secure in our commitment to each other. I know that Kevin loves me for a thousand reasons, most of which have to do with the great conversations we have, but he also happens to like that I am built strong and sturdy. And Kevin knows that I love him for a thousand reasons, most of which have to do with the great conversations we have, but I also happen to like that he has beautiful eyes and a big wide strong chest at just the right height to snuggle against. Mmmmm Kevin-hugs are the best. Oops, got carried away for a second, sorry.

Middle school and high school are especially tricky for figuring out what you like
In middle school and high school, everyone is trying to figure out what they like. Everyone is making up their mind about their taste in friends, clothes, music, art, cars, hobbies, and the kinds of boys and girls they find attractive.

To figure out what you like, sometimes people do science without knowing they are doing science: trial and error, combined with the process of elimination. You try something, you gather data about that thing, and then you move on to try the next thing to gather data about it. This scientific experimentation is painless when it involves clothes (well, it can be expensive, unless you pick up your mother’s skill of fabulous bargain shopping): you try different styles, you gather data about which clothes work for you and which don’t, and then you move on to build an overall style that works for you, and you know what does not work for you.

The trial and error process can be much more painful when it involves figuring out who you find attractive. You may start dating someone, thinking that you find that person very attractive at first, but then you find out that you have boring conversations together, or the way they laugh gets on your nerves, or hugging them feels like you’re about to break them and it makes you nervous. Or, they may figure out something about you that they no longer like. One of you decides to stop dating and move on to the next experiment, and the other one is probably going to be hurt for a while.

It happens with friends as well. You may start to be friends with someone, and then realize that they always find a reason to be mean to people who are not there, and you suspect that they would do the same to you, so you want to stop being friends. It is a natural process of learning. Hopefully, you learn along the way, so that as you get older, you get better and better at knowing what kind of people you want to have around you, both as friends and as a romantic partner.

Most likely, in middle school and high school, you will be on both sides of this learning process. You will probably choose to walk away from people, and other people will probably choose to walk away from you. That does not mean there is something wrong with either of you, only that you are all figuring out what you like and do not like. Science can be rough.

And sometimes, people will change dramatically, which can change whether or not you like them: a skinny tall shy girl in middle school will turn into a confident captain of the basketball team in high school with great leadership skills. Some sweet, nice, polite guy in middle school will turn into an angry, brooding punk in high school who only hangs out with people who have dyed their hair and pierced their nose. When people change that completely, what they think is attractive will also change just as completely.

So choose what you like
If you like keeping your hair styled and your makeup perfect and your nails painted, go for it. If you like the hippie natural look, go for it. If you like keeping up with the latest fashions, do it. If you like being the cool retro girl who finds quirky vintage clothes, do it. And if you like to mix it all up and choose a different look every day, knock yourself out. Someone will love it.

What I hope for you is that you never get worried about the shape of your body or your face because you’re worried “nobody will like me.” If you do find yourself thinking that, then you are believing a crazy lie, and figure out how to talk yourself out of it. Many, many people of all shapes and sizes and looks find out at their high school reunion that other people had massive crushes on them, but were too shy to tell them. I never had a boyfriend in middle school, but I found out later that at least four boys had a crush on me. You are attractive, even if nobody is telling you.

As for your body size and shape, I’m sure you will hear a lot about “body image” in the next seven years. Many girls make themselves unhealthy because they are worried about being fat, even when they are perfectly healthy. It’s horrible and very sad. What I hope for you is that you keep yourself healthy enough to do any activity you want to do, and don’t worry about it beyond that.

What will probably happen is that you will irrationally pick some part of you that you think is ugly, because most women do. For me, it’s my knees. I think I have ugly knees. I know, it’s crazy. I mean, who has pretty knees? Knees are just kind of ugly on everyone. But I am irrationally convinced I have knees that are uglier than most. However, I know that I am still very attractive to plenty of people, in spite of my ugly knees. Hopefully, if you do pick a body part or two to irrationally dislike, you will learn to live with the fact that you are a little bit cuckoo, but love yourself just the same.

The secret look
So I just spent this whole letter telling you that everybody likes something different, but now I am going to tell you a secret: the one thing that almost everyone is attracted to is happiness.

Almost everybody wants to be with the happy person. Oh, sure, there are some sad people who only want sad friends, and angry people who only want angry friends, but they are the minority. The person who can laugh easily, encourage others, and see the bright side of a tough situation is almost always surrounded by people who want a little more sunshine in their lives.

So the way you can improve your looks to attract the highest number of people (friends, romantic interests, and later, even bosses in interviews) is to practice having a dazzling, easy grin:

• Get in front of a mirror where you can see your shoulders and your face and look at yourself.
• Think of something that makes you happy.
• Keep thinking about your happy thing through the whole practice.
• If you think this exercise is goofy, let yourself laugh at it.
• Let your smile be as big or as small as it wants to get – don’t hold back, but don’t force it either.
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension out of your shoulders.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension out of your neck.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension out of your jaw.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension out of your lips.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension around your eyes.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed
• Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Relax the tension out of your forehead.
  • Open your eyes – notice you look more relaxed

Now remember how that feels, and take a good long look at how it looks, when you smile when you are relaxed and happy.

That’s the look that always gets attention.